How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
