Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
