I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
