She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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