I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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