I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
