I will die if light touches me.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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