I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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