He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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