I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
