I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
