I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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