he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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