Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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