I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You left your phone here
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