My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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