tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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