Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
