I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Pants are for mortals
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
