I just gift wrapped bread.
you didnt know i had herpes?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
