My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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