Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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