I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
