One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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