I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
