Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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