hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
