dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
