she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
