At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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