I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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