I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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