I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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