i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
