at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I pour the whiskey from now on
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
