I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
