when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
