i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
