I hate your face
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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