I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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