This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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