Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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