He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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