So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
