Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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