I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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