I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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