they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
