I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
