Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
