I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
