I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
