I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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