so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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