New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
