the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
