I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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