I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Im part way to drunk.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
