Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
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My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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