I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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